anchor…

Good Morning, Beloveds!
It’s is Wednesday morning here in sunny, Costa Rica.
The world seems perfectly tranquil and bright to most…
Unfortunately, my mother, (who is also my dearest friend) just pulled away taking a huge chunk of my heart with her.

This after a night of being robbed…
Has cast a gray cloud over our little nest.

We are not totally sure when the robbery took place.
They slashed a screen and came in through the window, stealing a decent amount of money,
my mom’s suitcase, purse and a few other items.
It all feels so gross…
The hardest part is watching the Smalls’ hearts break over the ordeal.
I knew this would happen at some point…
Still… it doesn’t make it easier.

I  have been spending some time in Hebrews lately.
Longing to draw fresh strength and encouragement.
In the 6th chapter the author writes…
“We, who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us, may be greatly encouraged.  We have this hope in Him as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.”
The last six weeks have been most stretching for me.
Our smalls have had health battles that totally knocked us all for a loop.
From severe impetigo, food poisoning, respiratory infections, viruses and lastly, lice.
Yes, I knew moving here would not be easy…
I just didn’t realize how difficult it was going to be.

If you know me, you know I’ve had to process some difficult situations over the past 5 years…
Circumstances I would never wish on anyone.
I NEVER planned on doing half of the things God has invited me and my family to do.
And, honestly, most days I have no idea how I ended up here.

This leg of the race…
I find myself feeling largely inadequate…
Like I am watching a world motioning forward…
Dying to run…
And my legs are stuck on the sideline.
The last three years were sacred years…
Foundation building years.
Years spent with precious brothers and sisters at Dayton Vineyard.
People with an insatiable hunger for the MORE of God.

Just typing these words stirs deep ache and longing.
I’ve never known a body like this one.
My church family taught me about risk, about faith, about identity, about RADICAL love and obedience.
I want to be good stewards of what was taught… and yet I feel so lost.

I know I am right where I am supposed to be.
I know I am being obedient.
I know He is with me, for me, adores me and is good ALL THE TIME.

Many of my days are marked with loneliness.
I see now more than ever why most missionaries choose to serve under organizations.
And, yet, this loneliness is driving me to see differently.
I need people in ways that I haven’t needed them in the past.
Receiving a smile means so much more than it used to.
I find myself immediately offering thanksgiving after a simple, Hola…
A wave… eye contact…  any gesture that speaks of being seen.

Being needy has a way of revealing preoccupations.
Lately my heart and mind have been overcome with preoccupations that sadden me.
Thoughts regarding inabilities, lack, and struggle.
Perseverance comes at a price…
One that I don’t always want to pay.

I am guessing the author of Hebrews used the word picture of an anchor on purpose.
He wrote and guided with a knowing.

Having walked  a few more steps than us…
He was aware of life filled with storms,  raging seas, and  tossing winds.
I am not strong enough to walk this alone…
To anchor myself.
I see now more than ever…
He is releasing all of me to be weak so that I can fully see His arms providing power, strength and daily provisions.
Contrary to popular belief…
Giving ourselves permission to feel is not…
Denial of truth…
Neglecting to declare…
Refusing to trust…
Or discounting promises.

No, I believe it’s facing all the things inside that you want to bury and hide…
Things that religion makes you feel ashamed of…
And offer them as a sacrifice…
Trusting Him to carry you through it and turn it into something beautiful…
No matter how scary it might be.

You see, I  believe my feelings (as crazy as they can be) and what I know to be true about God are able to coexist.
My feelings NEVER trump Truth…
They simply bring me back to my Source…
Back to a place of surrender.

During this season, I have said with many tears…
“I just can’t seem to catch my breath…”
This morning I heard the Holy Spirit say…
“I want you to catch mine.”

My breath falls short…
His sustains.

I know in some peoples’ minds missionaries, pastors and other church leaders are supposed to look like this when facing opposition…

A more accurate picture of my heart is this…

A Small longing to serve…
Longing to love the lost…
And yet needing a safe place to rest and be refilled.

We were brought here to release His hope and His love.
And that is what we are doing.
He has given us a heart for this land and the people.
No matter what the enemy throws at us…
The heart of God cannot be stopped and this is my anchor.

Thank you for praying for us as we continue to learn about perseverance and the Firm Anchor for our souls.
Your encouragement and partnership stirs courage.

Much love,
The Hopeful Clan