feeling…

Faith is not the absence of feeling.
The Holy Spirit reminded me of this valuable fact a few days ago.

Which is good because we’ve been doing a lot of that lately.
Feeling.

I’m realizing now more than ever why missionaries typically have communities in place.
We were created to operate, learn and thrive in community.

Day by day we are making adjustments, but when grief unexpectedly hits, as it typically does, it hits right at the heart… and it hits hard.
It’s in these moments I find myself recounting, rehearsing, remembering and feasting on His past faithfulness.
I have stories and stories and stories of His goodness to us.
In fact, as my Good Pastor would remind, “He’s never stopped doing us good.”

​But honestly, some days I feel like a Spirit-filled schizophrenic.
Moments overwhelmed with feeling deeply while flushing lie thoughts…
Declaring… recalling his promises… crying… wondering… seeking… struggling…  singing… scripture reading…
Then repeat.

It’s really quite exhausting.

Over and over again… it comes back to the same need.

To know Him more.

To see Him more clearly.

To be yielded.
To FEEL Him sustaining me breath by breath.
This week I found myself singing that old children’s song…
“And they’ll know we are Christians by our love…”
Remember that sweet, little tune?

After some heart wrestling moments,
I was led to take it even deeper.
Love is THE marker…
But yieldedness is a marker as well.

I think the world and the people in it will know I am His by how yielded I remain… When they see a life pliable in the arms of Our Good Daddy.This week has been a remolding week. A week where I was invited to take a deep look into my own story. And then look deeper still.I realized I have some areas that needed greater yielding. It did not feel good.

I am humbled and blessed that we serve a God that is not robotic… Nor did he make His children to be. Instead, He invites us to simply feel what we are feeling. He assures me He can handle it.

As I give myself grace to not be a “faith” robot, I am finding some moments my only goals are to breathe, trust and not give up.

I KNOW He is working. I KNOW He is getting me ready. I KNOW this is just part of the process of becoming more yielded. One day this story, as imperfect as it is, will surely be used to comfort and encourage others. Because I know for certain… He never ever, ever, ever, ever let’s go… No matter what I may be feeling. And this is the where I get my hope.