open-handed…

Living open-handed…

This is what The Lord has been speaking to me lately.
Daily I find myself living the lifelong process of growing out of flesh…
And pressing in towards the spirit.
The selfish tendencies in me appear to run deep.
A counselor by mind…
I’m found processing the roots of my many issues…
Most of which can be linked back to a lie I have embraced somewhere along the way.

Two simple questions reveal almost everything about the faith I claim to stand upon…

Do I really believe He loves me perfectly?
Do I trust Him wildly with each step of the journey?

Anyone could look back over my story and see His hand of faithfulness.

But for me… deep ache always accompanies such recounting.

The last few weeks I have been weepily looking back through old photos…
Photos that feel like they are of a different woman in a different lifetime.

I deeply cherish ALL that has been given and all that I have been blessed with.
But truth be told… the earnest reflection makes my soul ache.
It feels as if life is slipping through my hands like grains of sand.
I hear the taunting lies of the enemy…
“The best has already passed you by… one only gets so many blessings.

“Seeing with Kingdom eyes affords a different view…
Each and every sacred memory can also serve as a testimony of the greater things that await…
Of the beauty that lies ahead.

“When I think upon my ways, I turn my feet to your testimonies.”
Ps 119:59

I have spent the better part of the week soul crying.
I feel the shifting.
The shifting of what healthily must be…
And I want to grip my hand shut.

I am far from the best mom… honestly far!
And yet…
I have been blessed with some of the most remarkable child-friends a mother could dream of.

Emmiline Amelia’s birth forever changed me.
After suffering a great loss of our first baby…
I couldn’t have wanted her more.
Being her mom and the mother of my other smalls is truly my dream realized.
Even in this very moment…
I ache with thankfulness for such beautiful gifts that I too often take for granted.

Stewarding children has humbled me like nothing else.
But mostly… God uses it to gently remind me…
No matter how much strength I have in my hands…
It will never be enough to control, sustain or stop time.

He has made me to be open-handed.
Open to…
Receive…
And open to release.

It would feel so much easier to close my fist around that which I love.
To hoard…
To attempt to control or internally shut down…
But I cannot.
This is a battle my spirit must win.

“Whoever tries to keep their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life will preserve it.”
Luke 17:33

I don’t want to spend my days fighting for that which I cannot keep.

My heart is pure in wanting things to stay the same…
It’s the posture of my hands…

That reveal moment by moment…

The truth about what I believe regarding His love for me…
And if I joyfully trust Him with my whole self.
Those core questions affect everything in my life…
Especially the remainder of my days as an open-hander.
Do I think that God WAS good to me… or do I believe He IS FOREVER increasingly good.
Does He fill my hands once or is He the God of the continual overflow?
Could I dare to believe life only ever gets better?

Open-handed…
The only way to really live and love…
Knowing that all is a gift…
I am an owner of nothing…
Simply stewarding all that He has given me to love.

I cannot change this fact.
But a closed fist woman is not who He created me to be…
Instead I’ve been created to be fully loved with a capacity to fully trust.
A daughter free to celebrate in every era…
Open-handedly and mostly tear soaked.